The Lord of the Disc
by Mad Dog2
Summary: What happens when the One Ring ends up in the Discworld?Read and see!My first bonafide fan fic, so R&R!
1. Prologue

THE LORD OF THE DISC  
Disclaimer - I am not Terry Pratchett or JRR Tolkien, or even related to either of them. Obviously I own nothing in these stories..except this disclaimer!And if anyone steals my idea to have a disclaimer at the start of my story I`LL SUE YOUR FRICKIN` PANTS OFF!Hahahahaha!  
  
AN : It is reccomended you have read LotR before you read this.You may still be able to follow it if you haven't, as the Discworld half will be larger..but it is still heartily reccomended.  
PROLOGUE  
  
The door of the shop banged open, and the shopkeeper looked over the counter.  
  
"What the?" No one was there. "Must've been the bloody wind, I guess"  
  
He stood slowly up, to the sound of snapping joints and walked to the door, tripping over something at thigh level  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"What the - who are you?"  
  
"Frodo Baggins esq," the little creature said "Oh, bugger!I mean Underwater!No, er, Underknoll.Underhill, that's it!"  
  
The shopkeeper sighed.Bloody hobbits.He ALWAYS forgot about the hobbits when he came to Middle Earth.They were a dull race, not really very memorable.not like the Munchkins.The shopkeeper shuddered.Oz still haunted his nightmares.  
  
"What brings you here Mr Baggins?" the shopkeep asked  
  
"Not Baggins!"  
  
The shopkeep gave a resigned sigh "What do you want, mysterious stranger?"  
  
"That`s better!I wanted to pawn something"  
  
"Oh really, well let's see it then!"  
  
The shopkeeper walked around to behind his counter and got ready a mignifying glass, while Baggins pulled out a golden ring on a silver chain from around his neck and laid it down onto the counter.  
  
"A ring, eh?" there wasn't much mirth in the shopkeep`s voice "I dunno, I got plenty o rings already, an` you've got to admit, it isn't a very fancy one!"  
  
"Not very fancy?It's pure gold!And virtually indestructible!"  
  
"If it's virtually indestructable, than it can't be pure gold, can it?Everyone knows the more gold the weaker the metal!If it`s as strong as you say, then it`s probably Fool`s Gold!"  
  
"It is pure gold!"  
  
"Then it isn't indestructible!"  
  
"Yes it is!Not even the breath of the feared dragon Ancalagon the Black would melt it!"  
  
"Oh, found that out first-hand, did you?"  
  
"Well.no."  
  
The shopkeep grinned "VERY impressive!"  
  
"Oh come on, it must be worth something!"  
  
A slight pause "Half a dollar"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Sorry, but it's got no jewels, no inscription.this ain`t a charity you know!"  
  
"Aha!There is an inscription!Throw into a fire!"  
  
Raising an eyebrow, and wondering what pipeweed Mr Baggins had been sampling, the shopkeep latched a pair of heavy iron tongs onto the ring and held thrust it into his fire.  
  
"Pull it out now!" ordered Baggins after a brief moment  
  
The shopkeep did so, and after a moment crimson writing wrapped itself around the golden band, illuminating the entire shop.Then, as quickly as it begun, it stopped.  
  
"Bloody hell!" exclaimed the shopkeep "THAT'S more like it!You got any more of these?"  
  
"Nope, one of a kind"  
  
"Shame, these things'd make good novelties.Perfect for birthday parties.Ten dollars."  
  
As so often happens in times like this, Baggins was in two minds about it.He sold the ring, the whole adventure would be over, and he might never know if it was destroyed.On the other hand, was it worth going through all the trouble?Trekking across Middle Earth, risking life and limb.Naturally, this was a time when two opposite things happened.to the same person.in a phenomenon called the Trousers of Time.  
  
One Frodo Baggins changed his mind at the last minute and kept the ring.His story is detailed elsewhere.But the other Frodo Baggins handed it over and pocketed the gold before leaving.  
  
The latter Baggins walked outside the shop and stood beside a tall cloaked figure.The two of them watched the Wandering Shop dematerialise and vanish, leaving a tiny, vacant lot.  
  
"Have I done the right thing, Strider?" asked Baggins  
  
"Beats me.Let`s go to the pub."  
  
The strange pair walked back down the street to the Prancing Pony  
  
"Are you sure the Ring won't bother anyone here again?" aked Baggins, a tad worried  
  
"Certain.Those Wandering Shops travel to an infinite number of universes.It'll be years, decades, maybe, before it ends up back here.In that time someone is bound to buy it!"  
  
"And then what will happen?"  
  
"Do I look like Gandalf to you or something?I have no damned idea.For Eru`s sake you just freed the world from the greatest evil it`s ever known!Party time!"  
  
And three months later, the Wandering Shop apparated in the City of Ahnk-Morpork, the largest (And foulest) city in the universe.It appeared on a small corner on Gleam Street, cracked and covered in moss, with cobwebs hanging off the gutter.No one would have guessed it had only been there five hours.  
  
Just then, the street erupted in a mass of noise.Yells, shouts, and general curses filled the air, a few arrows bounced off the cobblestones.Around the corner came a fairly young shallow-faced manned who was running very, very quickly.He wore tattered old robes, and an even worse hat.The hat was a sad imitation of a wizards hat, only recognisable as one because it actually had the word "WIZZARD" crudely scrawled on it.  
  
The man was Rincewind, apprentice wizard (of sorts) and a person so yellow bellied he could disguise himself as a canary without a costume.He quickly skidded to a halt, noticing the shop on the corner, and then darted through the door.  
  
He knew a Wandering Shop when he saw one.  
  
"Good day, sir" said the shopkeep "What can I do for you?"  
  
"You can hightail this baby to another plain of reality.and bloody fast!"  
  
The man frowned "I'm not meant to abuse my powers, you know.I can lose the shop if management finds I've been helping fugitives.Didn't your hear about old Saul and that Jack the Ripper fella?"  
  
"Pleeeease, there's a huge crowd coming to kill me!"  
  
"What'd you do?"  
  
"Oh.this and that"  
  
"Weeeell, I suppose I can help."  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"IF you buy something, o`course!"  
  
"Alright, alright!"  
  
Rincewinds eyes darted about him, looking for the nearest cheap- looking item.He saw a plain gold ring with a silver chain.Perfect!He snatched it from the shelf and slammed it onto the counter.  
  
"There it is now go, go, go!"  
  
"Alright, alright, don't rush me.."  
  
As Rincewind bought the Ring, up in the realm of Dunmanifestin, Blind Io sighed resignedly.  
  
"Fate, is this your doing?"  
  
Fate shrugged "It might be"  
  
"Why?"  
  
Fate's empty black eyes, somehow, were smouldering "The Lady has used him to thwart me too many times.The very sight of him sickens me.And he should be dead! No one can cheat Fate!"  
"Obfioufly fomeone can!" sneered Offler through his fangs  
  
Fate narrowed his eyes "Not for long.HE-WILL-DIE!" he near screamed, stressing every word "The Ring is the greatest thing that has ever dawned on Our World!It shall force that fool into a quest.and that quest shall claim his life!"  
  
Blind Io sighed.He couldn't stand it when Fate got melodramatic "You do realise I will have to inform the Lady?"  
  
Fate grinned "Wonderful!I wouldn't have it any other way, friend!She will NOT defy me again."  
  
Io smiled.When the Lady and Fate played so, it was entertainment not to be missed.  
  
Even if cleaning up the world afterwards was quite a chore.. 


	2. Of Ringwraiths and Bath Salts

CHAPTER 1 - Of Ringwraiths and Bath Salts  
  
The Ringwraiths were some of the most fiersome creatures ever manifested.They projected malice and hatred with a cold energy that brought out the inner coward in warriors hearts. For thousands upon thousands of years they had stewed in their hatred, which now blossomed into a lust of destruction of all life . They were the scariest creatures imaginable.  
  
But you wouldn't know it now.  
  
"Let's get this straight came the voice of Sauron You smelt the Ring in Bree, and you got there, and it had.. gone?"  
  
The WitchKing was awkward "Yes."  
  
"Gone where?"  
  
"We, er, don't know.It was just. gone." He shuffled his ghostly feet "There was a bit of ring residue, sir, it definitely HAD been there.."  
  
"You expect me to believe it disappeared into thin air?"  
  
"Well, I don't expect you to BELIEVE it, sir, but it's what happened."  
  
The WitchKing was trying to avoid looking Sauron in the eye.but this was made a tad difficult by the fact that Sauron was an eye.His red, flaming iris filled half of the room at the top of Cirith-Ungol (Sauron's winter home), and it was strangely compelling to watch.. like a lava lamp.  
  
The Mouth of Sauron stood "They could be telling the truth, my liege.Mayhaps the Elves have found a way to send the Ring.to another world."  
  
"Those sneaky bastards!How can we get it back?"  
  
"We will just need to find a way to that world, sire.And I suggest your Ringwraiths be sent on Scouting Duty through space until they find it, as a punishment for their shortcomings"  
  
"You bastard!"  
  
"Ah, excellent, Mouth.Excellent.You may be due for a promotion soon, you know."  
  
Like all employees, the Mouth of Sauron meant to say: "Soon?More like four weeks ago, you lazy bastard!", but, on the way from the brain to the mouth the words shifted into: "Thank you, sir, you really are too kind" "Yes... I am aren't I?Not a good image for a Dark Lord so forget I mentioned it, okay?"  
  
The WitchKing and his fellow wraiths sniggered.They'd always prided themselves on having a better job than the Mouth.They usually only had to meet with Sauron annually, and spent most of their time joyriding on giant horses or pteradactyl, pranking the Men who were scared within an inch of their life of the Ringwraiths.. and couldn't kill them if they tried.Mouth, on the other hand, spent most of his time in Barad-Dur, a grimy tower, serving the needs of a power-obsessed flaming eyeball with serious personality issues.  
  
"Are we free to go, my liege?"  
  
"Of course, Angmar.Just don't come back until you know where the Ring is, okay? Otherwise you'll, er, be even deader!"  
  
"I wouldn't dream of disappointing you, Lord Sauron.May your power never die, and your tower ever crumble."  
  
As the WitchKing turned and strode out, one word was uttered under his raspy breath:  
  
"Tosser."  
  
Rincewind walked into the library, and was greeted by a nervous-looking Librarian.  
  
"Oook?"*  
  
"No, no, it's all alright, now.No thanks to you, that is"  
  
"Oook!Oook!"  
  
Rincewind snorted "If I had a dollar every time I heard THAT one."  
  
"Ook."  
  
"Well, yeah, but that is no excuse for deserting me like that!The Mended Drum was your idea, anyway!"  
  
"Ooook!"  
  
"Of course I never complained!I had no idea what sort of riff-raff the place housed these-days."  
  
"Ook!" Although it was very hard to tell from his black, rubbery, friendly face, Rincewind could see the Librarian was getting quite upset about the whole thing.  
  
"Oh alright, I forgive you.Now if you'll excuse me." Rincewind breezed past the Librarian into his room.He'd had a room in the dormitary levels before, but that had, eventually, passed into the ownership of one of the professors of an obscure field of magic.(Underwater Herbal Thaumatology Grade 2) Fortuantly, when Rincewind returned from Fourecks, the Librarian was kind enough to tidy up one of the Senile Book Storage Rooms** and throw his his old, disturbingly damp, matresses in.  
  
All of Rincewind's miniscule wardrobe were scattered on the floor, the books (that acted as the walls), and, in one or two cases, the ceiling.Apart from that his room was fairly empty.Rincewind didn't like to do much but sleep, as it was.As Rincewind walked in he noticed a fairly large cleared area, where his Luggage would usually sit.  
  
"He better not be causing too much trouble," Rincewind murmured to himself as he lay down on his matress.As he closed his eyes he slipped his hand under his pillow and grabbed..  
  
.nothing!  
  
Rincewind sat straight up suddenly. "It's gone!" he cried, as he lifted up his grimy pillow.Under it was empty space.Very empty space.  
  
Rincewind ran back out into the library. "Oi!"  
  
"Oook?"  
  
"Where's my bloody bottle, that's what!"  
  
"Oook!Ook!"  
  
"Ponder 'borrowed' it?But I don't even know him!"  
  
"Oook?"  
  
"Well, okay, I did meet him once.ONCE.Now, if you excuse me I've got a word or two for him."  
  
Rincewind stormed down Unseen University's corridors, fury filling his mind.He marched, stomped, and pounded his way up stairs and through hallways on his way to the High Magic Facility, where Ponder Stibbons (the youngest member of Unseen U.'s staff) was bound to be found.  
  
"Oh, `allo" one of the Magic Technicians greeted him "What can I do for you..sir?" he said..pausing because, frankly, Rincewind looked far from a 'sir'. "Where's Ponder?" demanded Rincewind, still in full fury  
  
There was a slight pause as the technician contemplated whether he should guide a man who looked more-than-homicidal to the person who wrote his pay checques. "Er.I can get him for you... who shall I say is asking?"  
  
"Rincewind"  
  
"The Rincewind?" the technician asked raising his eyebrows  
  
"Erm.well, yes." Rincewind said, thrown off balance.He never thought he'd be worthy of a 'the' in front of his name  
  
"The one who went back through time to the creation of the universe, who escaped from hell, who stopped the dictatorship in the Agatean Empire, who saved Fourecks from certain death and fought his way out of the Dungeon Dimensions?"  
  
"Well... more or less.Bear in mind I didn't exactly mean to do most of those things.."  
  
"I'll get Ponder for you, he'll be pleased to see a hero like you!"  
  
Hero? Thought Rincewind, genuinely shocked.If anything he was a coward who got a hero's work and, surprisingly, pulled it off...eventually...without too many permanent psychalogical scars.  
  
After a while Ponder came. "Hello, Rincewind.What do you want?"  
  
"My bottle!"  
  
"Your.bottle?"  
  
"Yeah!The one you 'borrowed'!"  
  
"Oh, you mean the one filled with bath salts?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"And why do you want a bottle full of bath salts when the University only has showers?"  
  
"To relax!"  
  
"To..relax?" Rincewind realised he had good reason to feel at least a bit embarassed. "Yes, er, I sniff them." Ponder raised an eyebrow.But then he remembered Rincewinds long psychiatric sessions with HEX, that brought up mental issue after mental issue.Particularly disturbing was the fact that Rincewind seemed to harbour sexual feelings towards potatoes.In comparison, sniffing bath salts seemed quite normal.  
  
"Alright, you can have them back at, say, noon tomorrow?" Ponder grudgingly suggested  
  
"Why tomorrow?Why not right now?"  
  
"Well, I want to use them, obviously"  
  
Rincewind took a moment to think "Hang on!What do you need them for?"  
  
Ponder licked his lips nervously, and Rincewind grinned triumphantly.  
  
"Haha!I knew it!You've got a bathroom of your own!So THAT'S what the construction work was up here a few days ago, huh?You built a bathroom for the High Magic Facility in secret, eh?Well..what will Ridcully do when he finds out?"***  
  
Ponder could feel the world falling down around him "No!Don't tell him!My career will be over!"  
  
"Hmmmmm, I guess we will have to come to an agreement, then."  
  
Ponder sighed, and as he did so his whole body seemed to sag "What do you want?"  
  
"My salts back, for a start, you can buy your own, and rights to use the bath twice a week."  
  
"Okay.Anything else?"  
  
"Can I see it?"  
  
"Sure.Why not?You'll be in there twice a week from now on!Skazz will show you the way."  
  
After Rincewind had gone in search of the newly-built bathroom Ponder resignedly sat down at the table where HEX lived.no, sat.HEX was U.U's thinking machine, and it didn't live.It thought so certain primitive narrow- minded people might think it was alive, but it wasn't.How could it be?They'd made it from a simple ant farm!And added on to it. Everyone said THEY weren't the ones adding on to it, but they had to be.it couldn't just be growing.  
  
Ponder had found HEX could be used effectively to relax.A few weeks ago he'd spent three hours writing in code and presto!it could simulate a game of cards.Two problems though, HEX had the ultimate poker face, and it seemed to stop working as soon as Ponder got a good hand.Even though Ponder's scientific side told him that it was just an unfortunate co- incidence that HEX's mainframe malfunctioned at that moment, the deeper human side swore HEX's diodes were.grinning at him.  
  
Nevertheless, Ponder was sure he had those issues sorted out, and loaded up his Cripple Mr Onion program.  
  
====Error!=====  
  
Ponder frowned, and spoke into the microphone "Details?"  
  
++++ Cheese drive #2 power error 21345526633.  
  
Ponder originally thought that the details were useless, but now he knew better.The less of the message he understood, the worse the problem was. "How did it happen?"  
  
????? Negative.Unknown. +?+?+? Possibly a Thaumoturgical Anomaly.?!?!?! Do not compute.++++Redo from start.++++  
  
Thaumoturgical Anomaly?Ponder did not believe that.A "Thaumoturgical anomaly" could only be caused by what laymen would call 'bad magic', and he knew there wasn't any of that in here!Then, a ridiculous alien thought cme over him  
  
"Is this an excuse to get of playing cards tonight?"  
  
!!!!!!!LOL!!!!!!Negative.:D:D:D:Dyour game skills are most laughable!!!!!LOL!!!  
  
Ponder decided to ignore that message, though he had a mind to ask HEX what 'LOL' and ':D' meant exactly.He'd.It'd been saying them a lot lately.He decided to talk to one of his lab assisstants.  
  
"Adrian?"  
  
"Yes, Ponder?"  
  
"HEX says it can't run anything, because of some Thaumoturgical Anomaly.We are running on clean Thaums, aren't we?"****  
  
"Of course!I check 'em every morning, you know that!"  
  
"Yes, but then what can it be?"  
  
"Your guess is as good as mine.Any leaks?"  
  
"Nope.Someone must have brought it in with them."  
  
"Impossible!Rincewind's the only one who's.."  
  
The thought struck the both of them at the same time, and at that time Rincewind came back from his tour.  
  
"Well, Ponder, you've got it good here!How on the Disc did you keep all that secret I will never know!Anyway, must be off.There's a matress with my name on it."  
  
Ponder's outhrust arm stopped him in his tracks "Excuse me, Rincewind, but would you have happened to have something.new with you?"  
  
Rincewind had a feeling something bad was going to happen.After you have so many Adventures you can pretty much read the script as it is written. "Urm, maybe."  
  
Ponder glanced a golden gleam, hanging on a chain from Rincewind's neck. "That ring, when did you get it?"  
  
"Today."  
  
"Well, we're going to have to run some tests on it."  
  
"Oh.is that all?"  
  
"If you're lucky."  
  
Rincewind felt close to weeping.He was never lucky! "And if I'm not lucky?"  
  
"Who knows?It could be very serious, it could be trifling.It's all up to Fate, now."  
  
Fate grinned. "Yes, that's right, it's all up to me."  
  
"And me"  
  
Fate raised his head from the great gaming board that was the Discworld, and fixed his deep, dark eyes on the Green Lady. "Ah, so you're here.The Game hasn't quite begun yet."  
  
"And when will it begin?"  
  
"When we pick our teams.Three days or so, it should be."  
  
"I have made my choices already"  
  
"Well, keep them to yourself.I want it to be a..surprise."  
  
The lady smiled.. But probably more to herself than to Fate. "Why do you wish to play me again, after losing so many times?"  
  
Fate grinned himself, a grin of malice "Because I cannot lose so many times without learning even more"  
  
"I think you have not, for you have challenged me again" and with that the Lady left.  
  
Fate turned back to his board, watching things unfold, and silence descended upon the Gods for a few moments.It was Offler who broke it.  
  
"Well, in the meantime how about a game of fharadef?"  
  
*The librarian was transformed into an orangutan by a curious magical disaster.but I'm sure everyone reading this knows that already, anyway!  
  
**Books in Unseen Universities Libraries were more living than not, and as a result age differently from other books.The books reach a stage of 'senility' when they are read and re-read several times, and the magic dims in their pages.Senile grimoires are not to be relied on, as they may forget an important magic word, or show you the wrong symbol to sketch.If the Librarian didn't have an affinity for the books they would have been thrown out long ago, but, as it is, they found a niche in Unseen U., often being given to student wizards as 'new textbooks' by some of the crueller teachers.  
  
***Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully was particularly disgruntled at having to share the showers, after his private bathroom malfunctioned in quite a curious little incident.  
  
**** 'Thaums' are the smallest unit used to measure magic.When magic is used it leaves Thaumoturgical waste in the air.but U.U has quite excellent facilities for the disposal of such magic, where it will never cause harm to anyone or anything.or at least anyone or anything important. 


End file.
